Reasoning With Vampires

TwilightI’ll readily admit my love for Twilight but, unlike most Twihards, I’ll also admit I take great pleasure in relentlessly mocking it. Which I why I’ve spent the past day poring over entries on Reasoning With Vampires*, a blog devoted to highlighting and castigating Stephenie Meyer’s ham-fisted writing. It’s a blog by a blogger who (unlike most other Twilight knockers): a) has read the books; and b) provides scanned, irrefutable evidence to substantiate the mockery.

As she puts it (much more eloquently than I can):

Prior to actually reading Twilight, I had an opinion about it. I scoffed and mocked. I argued with my sister that, No, no, Edward doesn’t sound like the perfect guy, because I don’t really think that breaking into the bedrooms of teenage girls without their knowledge is romantic. I maintained a generalized position that Bella and Edward’s relationship seemed psychologically unhealthy. Also, the idea of a sparkling vampire was too ridiculous not to mock. Yet, I never felt like I had the authority to really trash the book(s), because I didn’t read them, and I try to avoid being a jackass. Then it seemed like Twilight was everywhere with the upcoming release of Eclipse in theatres, so I decided to earn my Twilight badge and read it.

She was, she writes, ‘unprepared for how poorly crafted the saga is’:

Stephenie Meyer has spawned monsters. I’m not referring to her sparkling vampires or her werewolf mob. I mean Twilight, New Moon, Eclipse, Breaking Dawn, and The Short Second Life of Bree Tanner. These books are written monsters.

And later:

The Twilight Saga wasn’t enriched by sentences that make seventh grade English teachers cry. When Stephenie Meyer uses the wrong word, it’s not innovative like Picasso painting an eye where a mouth should be. It’s wrong. It’s a sloppy mess.

Indeed, but it’s a hilariously addictive gold mine of inadvertent nonsense and humour. And gold mine for a savvy, sassy blog such as this. Unlike many other critics who aim for the all-hating, black-and-whiteness, though, this blogger acknowledges there’s some fuzzy greyness:

Stephenie Meyer has written big, unintentionally destructive, curiously strong, lumbering apes of books. And because of this, there’s a part of me—and I can’t tell you how reluctant that part is (lolz)—that admits Isabella Swan and Edward Cullen might have a love story for the ages. Bella and Edward’s love survived its creator.

The genius of this blogger’s entries is that she has physically scanned the pages then highlighted passages worthy of infamy and added incisiveness, biting insights that I dare you to try reading without nodding, guffawing, or high-fiveing a passing stranger.

And that’s just her comments on Meyer’s passages. This blog also yields pure gold in the other sections, not least the Ask Me Anything and About, where she acknowledges every argument for or against her writing about Twilight (e.g. If you hate it so much, why are you writing about it?) and out-wits and out-logics every answer while simultaneously taking the piss.

But me writing about it and including excerpts of her pure, interwebs-published genius is not nearly entertaining as actually, rabbit-hole-divingly reading it. I recommend you head here (as I am about to re-do).

*This blog was brought to my attention by friend and fellow editor Judi, to whom I now owe copious amounts of beer and kudos.

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Fiona Crawford

Fiona Crawford is a freelance writer, editor, blogger, proofreader, and voracious reader. She regularly appears as a book reviewer in Australian BOOKSELLER+PUBLISHER magazine. Fiona is also (unfairly) known as the Book Burglar due to her penchant for buying family members—then permanently borrowing—books she wants to read herself.